Anthony Cooney Visit @TnGTheBand on twitter.

You think that you’re still edgy.

But you’re chamfered, not jagged.

Mens grooming is a costly lie.

Moisturised and haggard.

A squirt of Amazonian Linx

Won’t enhance a simple man.

You’ll smell fragrant, just like Jane.

Not a musky moist Tarzan.

Your wife buys your training shoes

White socks in packs of five.

Cargo shorts for holidays.

You’re a soup spoon not a knife.

She will make you go.

She will make you dance.

Show you off to friends.

Pink pastel leisure pants.

Tight brown Italian, leather belt.

Jumper around your shoulder.

The gel she brushes in your hair

Makes you look much older.

Swearing makes you feel alive.

But not when she’s around.

At work a dangerous noisy type

At home it’s safe and sound.

Friday night let down your hair.

Another round? what do you chose.

Smash it with your drunken mates.

Or home to watch the news.

Ella’s Naughty Toys.

It was teatime for Mr Teddy? the dinosaurs and friends.

Mr Teddy poured the tea and then stirred with a big felt pen.

Small lego bricks for sugar cubes with some imaginary milk.

Then Daisy Dinosaur threw a hissy fit , starting to cry and sulk.

Mr Teddy apologised “ oh no, just what was I thinking”

“Tea for the Daisy Dinosaur when it’s juice that she likes drinking.

Ignore her said Tyrannosaur. A cuppa is fine for me”.

Maybe Daisy should apologise or not bother coming to tea.

Well then it all kicked off when Butch the dog, started biting the dinosaurs

Plastic Snake and Ginger Tom joined in asking Daisy if she wanted some more?

Springy dog sprung into action assisted by Mr Fox

Then Ella said that’s enough and put them all back in the box.

It was tea time for Mr Teddy and his dinosaur friends.

Mr Teddy poured the tea which was stired with a felt pen.

Small lego bricks for sugar cubes with imaginary milk.

Then stegosaurus threw a wobble as he was hungover that week.

Mr Teddy apologised “ just what the hell was I thinking”

“Tea for the stegosaurus “ when he had obviously been drinking.

Tyrannosaurus asked for something harder,teas no good for me.

I’ve a reputation to uphold and prefer a single malt Whiskey.

Well it all kicked off when butch the dog started biting all the raptors

The plastic snake and ginger tom attacked

The drunken Stegosaurus .

Springy dog joined the melee assisted by Mr Fox

Then Ella said that’s enough and put them all back in the box.

It never comes around too soon

A visit to the Primark changing room.

Purgatory

Or hope or glory

Five items please

One to buy and four to steal

Men and women,

Some uncertain

Hide socks down frocks

Behind sliding curtains.

They hide blouses down trousers

And shirts up skirts

They hide goodies in hoodies

And hide packets in jackets.

Then to brighten up their walking blues.

Stroll past the guards in stolen shoes.

Join the queue that blocks, the yellow box.

Indicators flashing, ready to outfox.

Quick quick slow, you see a space.

Only to find, it’s a disabled place

If all hope is lost and you struggle to park it.

60 minutes for free behind the Supermarket.

Enjoying a pint and a fag outside the Bull

A lookalike Robert Plant and Jethro Tull

Towards the town hall near the Costa crowd.

A jovial man is talking aloud.

Through the shop that sells Knickknacks and Toys.

Leisurely ladies lunch with Casual Cowboys.

In the direction of Yarm High School

A centre half explains the offside rule

While sitting in the window of the Mocking Bird.

With his coffee and paper the worlds observed.

Turn back around and up the street.

Where dogs sit patiently under outside seats.

A Turkish Barber with red and white stripes

Ignites unwanted hair on well groomed types.

In the Cafe ladies dress like Greta Garbo

With large prosecco and half a Parmo

The traffic lights are turning red.

Pedestrians now dodge the bikes instead

Escaping cars quickly reverse

With a thank you wave or a fingered curse.

I’m no Charles Darling

I’m no Harry Stottle

No theory of revolution

More like spin the bottle

I’m no Harold Einstein

I’m no Mary Curry

Relatively harmless

Active but in no hurry.

I’m no Mike and Angelo

I’m no Ivor Newton

Ive had a brush with gravity

And drawn my own confusion.

I’m no Gary Leyo

I’m no Ray Charles Riley

But when it comes to writing silly verse

This sums me up entirely

Please boo me off.

I think i’ve earned it.

Flailing punchlines

Missed too many times.

Please boo me off

I’m just not funny.

The worlds biggest bore

At the comedy store.

Please boo me off

Get out a hook

I’m a comedy criminal

Nothing smart or subliminal

Please boo me off

I’ve no sense of timing

An erratic clock

Tic tock, tic tic..…. tock.

I found a message in a bottle

It said “if you’re reading this”

I’m single or stranded

Waiting for a boat or a kiss.

From a Pacific Island?

Or the Tees to the Tyne?

Depending on the current

Will you be mine?

Searching for firewood

Or searching for love

Keep the fire burning

Parrots or doves?

S.O.S or a letter

A flare from above.

Waiting for a message

A message of love.

I have a scapegoat called Govey.

I let him out on a Tuesday

Wednesday Its Dorries

They deflect bad news stories

If alls well, i’ll send out Patel.

I’ve a scapegoat called Shapps

He loves to blow smoke up my ass

He’s absolutely useless,

Worse than George Eustice

But less fuss than Lizzy UnTrust

I’ve a scapegoat called Raab

On a Friday if things are going bad

He will denigrate and malign

While still towing my line

At best he’s a blood sucking pest.

The bass player stands, away from the band,

an empty glass upon his Amp.

The fruit machine flashes, a glass collector dashes

in front of the singer in the band.

Rhythm guitarist, looks at the set list

still learning all the chords.

The lead guitarist, up against the bar is

Trying to look cool but bored.

A drunk lady dances, while looking for glances

From younger lonely hearts

The serious drummer, stares at the strummer

Who is playing what he wants.

The singer singing, mobile phones pinging,

The first sets always slow.

Then the drinks kick in, they all want to sing.

And dance wildly on the floor.

Last orders at the bar, another encore.

The taxis wait outside.

Home safe tonight, thanks for your time.

The band unplugged but wired.