Don’t sow lettuce in December

Or plant parsnips in the snow.

Those yellow flowers like it rough.

In February they may show.

Garden centres are for coffee.

Slow walks and expensive clothes.

Don’t buy annuals in September.

For birthday gifts try gardening gloves.

Supermarkets are for bedding plants.

Petrol Stations sell them too.

Weed and feed will burn your grass.

Just like an acid dew.

You can grow your own tomatoes,

They’ll need watering everyday.

Like a thirsty clinging pet.

Don’t book a holiday.

Larch lap fencing always fails

It’s expensive to repair

Your neighbour says it’s on your side

And it’s flattened his prickly pear.

Those noisy kids on trampolines

No more hammering please.

My neighbours dog barks far too much

My plants hate you more than me.